The Open Door
by DestanyMitchell and Rockerbabe
Summary: While, Jumping back in forth in time A look into Tommy and Jude's relationship over 7 years. Jude thought she was done with him, Tommy vowed never to let her go. As they try to understand their relationship, they must accept how they have changed if they
1. Sweet Sacrifice

Disclaimer: Instant Star does not belong to me. Only this idea does…well, it belongs to DM too. The songs from "The Open Door" all belong to the wonderful Amy Lee.   
Author's Note: This takes place in an Alternate Universe, starting with "I'm 18". This story was inspired by the Audrey Hepburn movie "Two for the Road".   
Summary: While, Jumping back in forth in time, A look into Tommy and Jude's relationship over 7 years. Jude thought she was done with him, Tommy vowed never to let her go. As they try to understand their relationship, they must accept how they have changed if they are to rekindle their original love.

The Open Door Series

Chapter One

Sweet Sacrifice

_It's True_

I walked into the hotel room and gasped…

_We're all a little insane_

There they were: my sister and my boyfriend. Kissing. On the hotel bed.

_But it's so clear_

I had been coming to find Tommy to apologize for my behavior. But given the current situation, I had **nothing** to apologize for.

_Now that I'm unchained_

"I was coming to say, it's over. **We're**over."

I turned on my heel and walked out, keeping my cool. Once in the hall, I broke into a run.

_Fear is only in our minds_

I can't believe this happened. Again. He broke my heart. Again! How many times would I let him do this to me? How many times would I give him my heart, only to have him crush it into so many little pieces?

_Taking over all the time_

I left my own birthday party, yet again because of Tom Quincy. I walked down the streets of downtown Toronto, arms folded across my chest, about ready to cry, wearing a full length gown. Like that was a normal thing to see.

_You poor sweet, innocent thing_

_Dry your eyes and testify_

I did not cry, though. I was eighteen, a grown up. I could take the high road. That was my lesson. Well, that and the fact that I was never going to give Tommy my heart to break again.

_You know you live to break me_

_Don't Deny_

_Sweet Sacrifice_

I stopped walking, giving my feet a rest. Hiking downtown in heels was not the best idea I'd ever had. But, at least I was out of that hotel.

_One day I'm gonna forget you name_

I returned home and locked the door behind me. I was all alone and that was fine by me. I removed my dress, draped it across the railing on the stairs. I removed my jewelry and tossed them on the steps. With a sigh, I went upstairs to change into some nice comfy jammies. I crashed onto my bed and scrubbed my face with hands. I was going to forget Tom Quincy. He was nothing to me. If he was nothing, he couldn't hurt me anymore.

_And one sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost pain_

I heard the doorbell ring. But I ignored it. If it was anybody worth seeing, they'd have a key.

_I dream in darkness_

_I sleep to die_

_Erase the silence_

_Erase my life_

The bell rang again and I groaned. I had to stop the annoying ringing. Because, deep down, I knew that if I didn't stop it, it would ring all night.

_Our burning ashes_

_Blacken the day_

I went downstairs and opened the door. I scowled as I came face to face with Sir Butt-face.

"Jude! Yous gotta listen to me." He slurred drunkenly.

"I don't want to hear it, Quincy." I said, starting to shut the door in his face.

_A world of nothingness_

_Blow me away_

He put up his hand and stopped me from closing the door.

"Cut it out!" I snapped.

"Not until you listen!" he replied, shoving the door open and walking inside.

I growled in frustration. I wasn't going to win. So, I decided to let him talk. Plus, he was harder to move when drunk.

"What do you want?" I demanded.

"For you to understand that Sadie started it. I told her no. She took advantage of me."

"But you kissed her back!"

"I'm drunk!"

"SHUT UP!" I yelled, "If that's all the reason you have, then get out!"

_Do you wonder why you hate_

"No, that's not all!" He yelled back, "I LOVE YOU."

I was actually stumped. I had no answer for that. I couldn't believe he actually said that.

"You're just saying that because you're drunk." I insisted when I could actually form a response.

"No, I'm not, Jude." He crossed the room to me and stood in front of me, "I've loved you since the first time you kissed me in the dressing room."

_Are you still too weak to survive your mistake_

That made me smile, but right after, sigh.

"Do you really mean it?" I asked.

I was floored when he dropped to his knees in front of me. "I need you, Jude. I am nothing without you."

"Tommy. You're drunk." I sighed, "We'll talk about this in the morning."

"No." He said stubbornly, "We will talk about it now."

"Tom---"

"No, Jude. Sober, Drunk, whatever I may be, my feelings for you never change." He took my hand in his and looked up at me with those eyes of his, "Give me one last chance."

"Alright. But if this happens again---"

"It won't." Tommy stood, "I love you, Jude."

"I love you too, Tommy."


	2. Call Me When You're Sober

Board Disclaimer but works for ff.n too: In case you didn't figure it out...RB does odd chapters, I (Destany Mitchell) do even, thus alternating. She writes past, i write future.

**Author(s) Disclaimer**: The character, Ryland Michaels and the band Shattered and all other paraphenalia involved, belong soley to RB. She just lets me borrow him for this fic...and a couple others.

**Chapter 2  
****Call Me When You're Sober**

I turned my head to look out the window of the plane. Outside, we were just above the puffy white clouds. You know, they always look thicker from the sky. Down on the ground, they look whispy and pretty. But from the air, it's more like thick the mountains that are completely covered in snow; solid looking. It made me wonder how the plane even managed to lift through them.

I sighed and turned away from the window and glanced at the empty seat next to me. My husband of just over five years was suppose to occupy that seat. But, per usual, he called me to tell me he'd missed the flight. iAs we were taking off/i.

He didn't use to be like this. When we first got married, we were inseparable. Things were perfect – or so it seemed. I don't even remember when it started anymore. I can't pinpoint the exact moment I realized our marriage was going to hell. But we weren't happy. He began to turn to alcohol to drown his problems. That's right. I, Jude Elizabeth Harrison, at 26 years-old, am married to Tom Quincy; an alcoholic; a man who loves going to the bar and downing shots than to be with me. Lovely eh? Or maybe it's what he needs to do to be with me. Whatever the case, neither of us was happy anymore.

During the week of our anniversary, he didn't drink. The man I married was back. He was loving and sweet and promised me that things would get better. And I believed him.

A week later, the guys called and he was back at the bar every night.

"Mrs. Quincy?"

I looked up and saw the stewardess standing in the aisle, looking expectantly at me.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" I asked, pushing thoughts of Tommy out of my head. It didn't do any good to whine and complain.

"Would you like anything?" She asked.

"No thank you." I said, but tipped the woman anyway.

She left and I sighed before glancing back out the window. The view was picture perfect and I wished I had my husband to share it with.

I stepped off the plane, in LA, and couldn't help but smile. I was finally i_here/i _and I still couldn't believe it. After my third album, I took a break and slowly came out with a fourth; for which I am nominated for a Grammy. It's so surreal.

"Jude!" I heard my PR Person, EJ, call out. Darius had taken EJ back about two years ago. He said he needed someone of her caliber and I assume he's paying through the nose to keep her. She was back and just as kick-ass-and-take-names-later as before and twice the slave driver.

"Hey EJ!" I called, walking over to her.

"Where's Tom?!" She demanded. I sighed.

"He missed the flight."

"How the hell did he miss the flight?!" She demanded, her voice raising to just below a screech. I shrugged. EJ's guess was as good as mine. The thing is, no one knows Tom's and mine relationship has taking a shot to hell. We put on a happy face in public, and apparently, we're pretty good at it. But the act was getting old fast and I dreaded when he would be here as much as I wanted him here. I loved how, in public, his arms would wrap around me and he'd kiss me lovingly and do all the right gestures and say all the right things. We were perfect. In private, however, we fought, yelled, screamed, sometimes broke things and he'd leave for the bar and I'd start sobbing on the bed. The only thing I knew was from the voicemail he'd left me at take off. I checked it the moment the pilots cleared it. It was a short 'sorry I missed the flight, I'm working on getting a new one' message.

EJ led me through the airport, ranting about Tommy having missed the flight and how I could have let him do that. From the way she was talking, she blamed me for his deadbeat role. Maybe she was right, but it hurt all the same. Maybe I wasn't a good wife. Maybe that's why my husband has to drink to be happy.

I felt tears sting my eyes and I tuned EJ out and stopped my thoughts. I let my eyes wander and I began to people watch a bit around me. Most of the airport people seemed like they were in a huge hurry; rushing through the place to either catch a flight or pick up a loved one. Not too many strolled through. I sighed and heard my phone chirp from deep within my pockets.

"Hello?" I answered, not bothering to glance at the caller id before I answered it.

"Hey, Girl." Tommy greeted me and I sighed again.

"Hey." I said, not sounding as enthusiastic as he did.

"I wanted to let you know I made arrangements to take the next flight out. It's suppose to leave within the hour."

"You're going to be late for the Nominee Dinner."

"I know," He said, and added quickly "I'm sorry."

_Don't cry to me_.

"You always are."

_If you loved me_,

"You know I'd rather be with you than stuck in some airport, hundreds of thousands of miles away." His voice was so sincere that I almost believed him.

_You would be here with me_.

I wanted to say 'sometimes, I'm not so sure', but it came out:

"I know."

"Look, Jude, I'm really sorry, it's just"

"I don't need an excuse, Tom." I snapped, feeling irritated by the whole thing.

"Jude…" He trailed off, apparently at a loss for words.

_You want me_,

I sighed.

"I'll talk to you later, ok? EJ's got a full day planned."

_Come find me_.

"OK, I guess I'll meet you at the dinner." He said, sounding almost disappointed. He should have been an actor, not a singer.

"Yeah."

"I promise I'll make it, Jude." He told me, his voice sounding determined. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to believe him. I couldn't set myself up for another disappointment from him.

"I'll see you later Tom." I said and he sighed. We said our goodbyes and I hung up and replaced the phone in my pocket.

_Make up your mind_.

"Jude!" EJ snapped. I looked over at the other woman, her foot was tapping impatiently against the floor, her hands on her hips, and lips pursed in annoyance. I sighed again. "We need to go and I need to fix this mess."

"Yes, EJ." I said and started walking down the hall with her. "Tom says his flight should leave in an hour."

_Should I let you fall?_

"_Should_, Jude! Should isn't good enough!" EJ screeched as we hustled through the rest of the airport and out to the limo that waited for us outside.

_Lose it all?_

EJ shoved me into the limo and closed the door behind her. I barely had enough time to get situated in the plush, black, leather seat before it peeled away and out into traffic.

_So maybe you can remember yourself_.

I didn't have a moment to admire the limousine before EJ began going over my schedule – broken down to the hour - of what I would be doing before the dinner, at the dinner, and after the dinner. The part of fame I hated the most; the constant poking and prodding to be on time and live life by a schedule.

20 minutes later, we pulled up to the hotel. As soon as I stepped out of the limo, people cheered and clapped and applauded. I stared in awe at all the people who crowded around; at all the people who yelled "Jude!" in admiration. I still wasn't use to this and I don't think I ever will be.

_Can't keep believing_,

I held up a hand and waved to my fans who awarded me with a louder chorus of screams and cheers. I felt a smile spread across my face. I love my fans. No matter how badly my life was, they always seemed to love me.

_We're only deceiving ourselves_

I felt EJ give me a shove and I shot her a look over my shoulder before continuing down the carpet that led to the 5-star-hotel I would be staying in. I walked slowly, taking my time to really enjoy this and read all the signs – before EJ grabbed my arm and hurried me inside; apparently, we were behind schedule.

As I entered the lobby, I heard a familiar voice call out.

"JUDE!"

I turned my head, a smile coming to my face. EJ continued to pull me a long and I pulled my arm roughly out of hers.

"Ryland?!" I yelled, surprised to see him here. Ryland Michaels, lead vocalist to the band Shattered. He helped me out big time when SME got too famous to be my backup band. They occasional encored with me, but they were touring and enjoying their own burst of fame. Ryland always seemed more than happy to lend me his band, and his friendship. "What are you doing here!?" I asked as I met him in the center of the lobby.

Ryland's shoulder length dark brown hair was pulled up into a neat pony tail at the base of his skull. He wore a pair of baggy black pants, complete with chains, and a "Shattered" band t-shirt. He looked more like an overzealous fan than the front-man for the band.

"What do you think I'm here for? I'm here to see you." He told me, smiling warmly at me.

I couldn't help but smile back at Ryland.

"Where's Tom?" He asked me and I felt my smile fall.

"He missed the plane." Ryland raised an eyebrow at me and I shrugged. "He said he had something to do at work before we left."

_And I'm sick of the lie_,

Ryland's probably the only person who actually knew about my troubled marriage. I saw his expression soften in apology.

"I'm sorry, Jude." He told me and I shrugged. "What are you going to do about the dinner?"

"I guess I'll go by myself; Tom's only going to be late. It's not like I'll be there by myself the whole night." For some reason, I didn't feel very confident when I said that.

_And you're too late_.

"You shouldn't be going to a dinner by yourself." Ryland told me and I shrugged.

"My husband is MIA. I don't have a choice." I told him with a heavy sigh.

"Who said you had to go with your husband."

"Ryland we-"

"Jude, as friends." He told me and I wanted to say no, but the part of me that knew what a good friend he was to me, the part that didn't want to go to this dinner alone, overruled my logic.

"Why not." I said, and Ryland smiled brightly at me.

"JUDE!" EJ yelled at me and I rolled my eyes at Ryland.

"Duty calls." I told him and he laughed.

"I'll see you tonight, ok?" He told me and I nodded before turning around and rushing off to follow EJ into hell.

- - - - - - - - - - -

I was dolled up for an evening of boring speeches, a dinner so fancy I would never be able to pronounce the menu, and a table so full of silverware I wouldn't know which spoon or fork went with which appetizer.

I was dressed to kill; the dress I wore was simple and elegant and much less constricting than the one I was suppose to wear at the awards ceremony. The strapless, heart-shaped bodice of the dress was white satin and clung to my torso, showing off my curves and enough cleavage to be pretty and not slutty. The skirt fanned out from the hips, a black flowy skirt that swished as I walked. The shoes I wore were impractical and I'd probably break my ankle within the first five minutes of the evening. My blonde hair was down, but held back away from my face with more sparkly hairclips than I ever thought possible. But I had to admit, I looked good.

I sighed and smoothed down the skirt, wishing Tommy was here to see me. I took one last look in the mirror, grabbed my small dress bag and left the hotel room. I walked carefully to the elevator and pushed the down button. I stepped carefully into it and hit the button for the ground floor. The doors dinged shut and slammed together. I winced slightly, feeling a prisoner in the box. The elevator lurched slightly as it came to life and carried me down five floors.

The elevator stopped and the doors opened after a pause. I took a deep breath and stepped into the lobby. Ryland was waiting by the elevators, a single rose in his hand. I smiled at him and took in his suit. Ryland Michaels looked very good in a tailored suit and tie. His crisp black suit was freshly pressed and not a single fold line in sight. He wore a bright blue dress shirt with a sensible looking tie…at first glance. The tie had guitars and music notes littering it and his long brown hair was pulled back into a neat pony tail.

"Lookin good Michaels." I said as he handed me the rose.

"You too Quincy." He said, picking up my hand and kissing the top of it. I felt a blush coming to my cheeks at the small gesture. Ryland was always a gentleman like that.

He offered me his arm and I took it gratefully. Ryland and I walked side by side and headed out to the limo waiting for us.

Once we arrived, we were seated at a fancy table with crystal glasses and plates that were so fragile they'd probably break if buttered bread too hard. At my table, Ryland and I were seated next to me, an empty chair to my right, EJ at the head of the table, Darius and Portia across from me.

The dinner was surprisingly relaxed, filled with light conversation and speeches by people I had never heard about in my life.

"Sorry I'm late." I heard a familiar voice say and I looked over to see Tommy standing next to me, his own suit jacket unbuttoned, his normally neatly styled hair haphazard, and breathing heavily as if he rushed to get here.

"Hey." I said, turning away from him and continuing my conversation with Portia. Tommy sat down next to me and fixed his appearance a bit.

"What's he doing here?" He whispered to me and I knew he meant Ryland.

_Don't cry to me._

"He's being supportive." I whispered back, slightly harsh. "You know, being there for me when you aren't."

"Jude,"

"Save it Tommy."

_If you loved me_,

"I'm sorry, Jude, I told you." He stressed, giving me his patented puppy eyed stare. I sighed and looked away from him. I had a hard time resisting that look and he knew it.

"We'll talk about it later." I told him, smiling at Ryland who was giving me a concerned look.

"I don't like how he looks at you." Tommy muttered to me and I shot him a glare.

_You would be here with me_.

"Ryland is a friend. He's here for me when _you_ weren't." I said in a voice that expressed finality. Tommy just sighed and reached for the wine bottle in the middle of the table and poured himself a glass.

_You want me_,

The first of many, I was sure. I sighed and turned my attention away from my husband. I was determined to have a good time and if he wanted to be an ass, I wasn't going to listen or deal with it now. This is my night and damn it, I was going to enjoy it.

I felt tears sting my eyes and I excused myself from the table. I felt Tommy's eyes watching me as I crossed the room.

_Come find me_.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I was quickly running out of patience with him. Some days, he was perfect. Most days…the jealous bastard that reared it's head tonight.

_Make up your mind_.

- - - - - - - - - - -

I stormed into the hotel room and slammed the door behind me. I went into the bathroom and worked at pulling the pins out of my hair. I heard the door open and slam shut behind me.

"Jude!"

"Go away!" I yelled. I couldn't look at him right now. All I wanted to do was hit him.

_Couldn't take the blame_.

Tommy didn't listen and followed me into the bathroom.

"What the hell was that?!" He demanded, leaning against the doorway, arms crossed over his chest.

"Me?! This is about me?!" I yelled. I turned away from him and pulled a few pins from my hair. It was caught and tugging and it only further fueled my anger.

_Sick with shame_.

"What about you?!" I demanded, ripping the pin from my hair and slamming it onto the counter of the sink.

"That asshole was making a move on my _wife_!" Tommy argued, throwing his arms up.

_Must be exhausting_

"That asshole is a friend!" I yelled, turning away from him and reaching up for another pin.

"Right, a friend." He said sarcastically.

_To lose your own game_.

"At least he doesn't make up excuses not to be with me!" I yelled, tears stinging my eyes and I gave up on my hair.

"Jude"

"Save it."

_Selfishly hated_,

I tried to walk past him but he blocked me. I clenched my jaw. I didn't want to cry in front of him.

_No wonder you're jaded_.

"Get out of my way." I told him, my voice surprisingly strong for how so weak I was feeling. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and I wanted to hit him. I wanted to kick him to the curb, but I couldn't. I was in love with the asshole. For some reason, I needed him.

"Jude,"

"Move." I said, my voice so angry I didn't even recognize it. Tommy's eyes softened and he hung his head and moved out of my way.

_You can't play the victim this time_,

"Jude, I'm sorry."

I didn't say anything. He came up behind me, his hands on my shoulders. He kissed the exposed flesh softly and I closed my eyes, tears falling freely.

"Are you?" I asked and he didn't say anything.

_And you're too late_

"I just…I got jealous. I'm sorry." He murmured, his breath still reeking of alcohol.

_Don't cry to me_.

"Don't apologize to me." I said, trying to keep my tears out of my voice. "Apologize to Ryland."

_If you loved me_,

"Jude…"

His phone rang and I rolled my eyes. I stepped away from him and stood by the window, staring at the sky out the hotel window. I could hear Tommy talking, probably to an old friend. I felt more tears fall down my cheeks. I heard his phone snap shut, signifying the end of the call.

"You going out?" I asked.

_You would be here with me_.

"If you don't want me to…"

"Do what you want." I said, my voice shaking.

_You want me_,

"I won't be gone long." He told me, and I felt him behind me. I turned around and faced him, somehow able to stop my tears.

"You always say that."

"Jude…"

"Just go." I said. I wanted to say if you really wanted me, you'd stay with me. But I couldn't. He sighed and grabbed his jacket.

_Come find me_.

"I'll be back soon, ok?" Tommy said and I just nodded. I heard him sigh and open the door and the soft click as it shut behind him.

Tears came to my eyes and I let out a sob. My knees suddenly felt weak and I collapsed face down on the bed beside me.

_Make up your mind_.

I groaned and opened my eyes. The hotel room was dark and empty. I sat up and blinked, not sure when I fell asleep or what had woken me up. I heard the phone ringing and I leaped out of bed and ran over to it. How long had it been since Tommy left? I wondered as I opened my phone and answered it.

"Hello?!"

"Juuuuuudeee?"

I sighed. It was Tommy.

_You never call me when you're sober_.

"Yeah?"

"I luuuuuurrrrrrve youuuuu." He slurred out and I sighed.

_You only want it cause it's over_,

He only told me he loved me when he was drunk. Either in person or on the phone. It was his drunken confession and it always made me wonder if he only loved me when he was drunk.

_It's over_.

"I know Tom." I said, feeling tears sting my eyes again.

_How could I_

"I ddooooooo Juuuudde." He slurred out, his words sounding surprisingly heart felt.

_have burned paradise_?

"I'll see you later Tom." I said, with a sigh.

_How could I_ –

"Hey Baybeee." I heard him say to some random girl on the phone. I pursed my lips and hung up the phone.

_You were never mine_.

I threw my phone across the room and I didn't feel any better. If anything, it made me feel worst.

_So don't cry to me_

Tears burned my eyes again as I tried to remember how we made it to this.

_If you loved me_,

How I couldn't have seen it coming.

_You would be here with me_

All the signs had to have been there…

_Don't lie to me_,

I just refused to see them.

_Just get your things_

I took a deep breath. I knew what I had to do. Even if it killed me.

_I've made up your mind_.


	3. Weight of the World

The Open Door Series

Chapter 3

Weight of the World

_Feels like the weight of the world,_

I found the empty bottle, hidden in the back of the cupboard. Back behind all the pasta sauces. It was vodka. It was half gone. _  
_

_Like God in heaven gave me a turn._

_He was drinking again_, I thought closing my eyes, and fighting the urge to scream or cry with frustration.

_  
Don't cling to me; I swear I can't fix you._

Even when he had promised me that he stopped. I took a couple deep breaths and opened my eyes again, glaring at the vodka bottle in disgust.

_Still in the dark, can you fix me?_

I angrily snatched the bottle from the back of the cupboard and walked over to the sink, twisting the lid off, and dumped the last of it down the drain.

It looked like he couldn't even keep a promise for a year. He promised me the day we got back together, well, after he was sober, that he had had his last drink. A nasty habit he had picked up from the boy-band, heavy partying days and occasionally fell back into. I sighed and walked into the living room, knowing Tommy was there.

Tommy was sitting on the couch, watching E! The announcer was smiling and discussing "The Summer of Weddings". Apparently almost every celebrity "it couple" was getting married. Everyone, it seemed, except for us.

"Chumps." Tommy snorted in disgust.

"You think marriage is stupid?" I asked softly.

"Most are. Celebrity marriages hardly ever last." He replied, looking at me. I chose to ignore his comment about celebrity marriages. I wanted to get married to him, and while it made my heart ache to know he thought it was stupid, I wasn't going to give up. We'd make it. We loved each other for so long and went through too much to be broken up over something stupid. "What's wrong?"

"You've been drinking." I stated simply, watching him as his eyes went stoic.

He was silent for a long moment and I waited for an answer.

"Tommy?" I asked again.

"Yes."

"I thought you started AA."

"I did." He said quietly, "It's too hard."

I walked over to him and sat down next to him. He sighed. I placed my hand over his and met his eyes.

_I won't be held down by who I used to be._

"You made a promise to me, Tommy."

"I know." He murmured, sounding regretful.

_She's nothing to me.  
_

"You promised that as long as you're with me, you wouldn't drink."

"I know." He said, looking at me sadly. "It's not like I haven't tried. I'm not perfect Jude, and neither are you."

_  
Feels like the weight of the world,_

I sighed. "What would you have me do?"

"Marry me."

_Like all my screaming has gone unheard._

"What?"

"Marry Me, Jude."

_And oh, I know you don't believe in me._

"Are you serious?" I demanded, "Two minutes ago, you were saying marriage is for chumps and celebrity marriages never make it."_  
_

_Safe in the dark, how can you see?_

"I mean it. We're not chumps."

I raised an eyebrow.

Freefall, freefall, all through life.

"Jude Joanna Harrison." He said, dropping to his knee in front of me, "Will you marry me?"

I smiled, sadly. "Will you promise to go back to AA?"

"I promise that I will try. Will you promise to be my wife?"

"I promise."

He reached into his pocket, pulled out a gorgeous ring, and slipped it on my finger. "I love you, Jude."

"I love you too, Tommy." I replied, kissing him.


	4. Lithium

**A/N: **OK, brief explain cuz I didn't want to use breaks purposely...This chapter, Jude is simultaneously singing and flashing back for a majority of it. It needed to flow like that in the fic so I didn't want to seperate with additional breaks. Just an FYI when you're reading and random dialogue pops up...it's not really so random, it'll flow right if you don't stop and think about it too much. Alright...I hope you guys are enjoying the fic! Those of you who review, you're so awesome! We (Rockerbabe and I) Love ya guys. Comments/Feedback always appreciated. Enjoy the chapter!

**

* * *

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**Chapter 4  
****Lithium**

"And now, I'm proud to present, Jude Harrison, singing her new hit song, Lithium!"

I took a deep breath as I walked out onto the stage, the applause was loud and deafening. No matter how many times I've heard it, I'll never get use to it. Never be able to not go on the stage and worry I'll be boo-ed off. I know there are worst things in life, but it's been a fear ever since I performed "I'm In Love With My Guitar" in the Carson High Gymnasium.

I walked over to the mic which stood in the middle of the stage, close to the edge, my dress swishing lightly around my feet as I walked. It was a deep blue, floor length with a halter style neck and a diamond broach holding the sash that went down the side of it. I glanced to my left and noticed the concert piano sat off to the side of the stage where Ryland Michaels took his seat.

The applause died down and I saw Tommy sitting in the second row, smiling up at me. It'd been a long time since I've seen him look at me like that and I felt my heart melt.

"How's everyone doing tonight?" I asked and I got another round of cheers. "I take that as good…As introduced, I'm going to be singing my new song, Lithium. I hope you guys like it."

Another round of applause went off and the lights dimmed around me, leaving a soft blue glow around me and Ryland at the piano. I leaned into the mic and closed my eyes and sang as Ryland started up with me.

"_Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside.  
Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without...  
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow.  
Oh, but God, I want to let it go_."

"Where were you last night?" I asked as Tommy came up behind me and kissed the top of my head. He sighed and at the question and pulled away from me, a look of annoyance in his eyes.

_Come to bed_,

"Out with the guys." I nodded and resisted the urge to roll my eyes and continued looking myself over in the mirror. It was early to be getting ready for the awards, but with the press everywhere, I wanted to look good.

_Don't make me sleep alone_

"Like every night." I muttered and he balked slightly and looked down at me.

"Jude-"

"Let's skip the fight, ok?" I said, leaning closer to the mirror to apply black mascara to my eyelashes.

_Couldn't hide the emptiness_,

"It's not like you wouldn't have rather been with Ryland."

"Excuse me?" I demanded, turning around. "What the hell gives you the right to say who I'd rather be with!"

_You let it show_

Tommy closed his eyes and took a couple deep breaths. I could tell he was trying hard not to yell and engage, but I didn't want this to be a fight were he walked out on me to go get drunk. Oh no, this was my turn to have it at him. If he was going to drink, I may as well give him a reason to.

"It's you who can't fucking stand to be around me!"

_Never wanted it to be so cold_

"Jude"

"Don't Jude me." I spat, I turned away from him and grabbed my purse off the counter and rushed out of the bathroom, shoving Tommy out of my way.

"Where are you going?!" He demanded.

"OUT!" I yelled as I slammed the door behind me, tears falling down my cheeks.

_Just didn't drink enough to say you love me_.

I opened my eyes and looked out into the crowd, swaying in time to the beat Ryland and the boys played for me, tears stinging my eyes as I forced the fight I had with Tommy earlier out of my mind. This song always reminded me of our bad times. I wrote it in a bad time and it seemed to increasingly match our relationship.

"_I can't hold on to me,  
Wonder what's wrong with me_."

I removed the mic from the stand and walked the stage a bit, careful not to trip on the cord.

"_Lithium, don't want to lock me up inside_.  
_Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without..._" My eyes found Tommy's, almost as if by magnetism as I sang the next line. "_Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow_."

I sat down in the lobby restaurant and put my face in my hands, tears falling down my face. I hate this, I hate what we've become. How did we get this way? When did it even start? The questions just kept coming in my mind as I cried and I couldn't figure them out. I couldn't answer them and it only made me more miserable. Maybe we were always this way, just too stupid to see it. Maybe he was right…maybe Marriage is for chumps.

_Don't want to let it lay me down this time_

"Jude?"

I looked up to see Tommy standing across from me, a soft look in his eyes. He took one look at me and crossed the space between us and wrapped his arms around me. I wanted to resist but I couldn't. I let myself mold into him and I buried my face in his chest and held him close to me and cried. Tommy's hand came up to the back of my head, his fingers stroking through my hair and murmured comforting words in my ear.

_Drown my will to fly_.

Tears stung my eyes and I turned away from the audience to face my band. I walked over to the piano and Ryland mouthed "are you ok?" and I nodded briefly, not breaking a line.

"_Here in the darkness I know myself_." The lyric was true, on stage, I was me, Jude. No questions, no worries. Just me, the music, and the crowd. Once the song started, there was nothing I could do but just sing with my heart and put the audience's judgments out of my mind. This is my heart, my soul. If they didn't like it…well, it was too bad. "_Can't break free until I let it go_. _Let me go_."

"How did we get like this Tommy?" I asked, pulling back from him to look him in the eyes.

_Darling, I forgive you after all_.

"I…I don't know." He said quietly. Part of me didn't believe him. I think he did know, or have an inclination, but I didn't press it.

_Anything is better than to be alone_.

"Do you still love me?" I asked, a couple tears falling from my eyes. Tommy's eyes looked so broken when I asked him that, I almost regretted asking it. He bent forward and kissed my forehead and then my lips, softly before pulling away.

_And in the end I guess I had to fall_.

"I'll always love you." Tommy murmured. "No matter what happens, Jude, you're my other half…the better half."

His words surprised me, but at the same time, I loved hearing them. He wasn't drunk when he said it. This time, I believed him. He was pure sober and that meant more to me than any Grammy.

_Always find my place among the ashes_.

I finished the song with ear-shattering applause. I won Best Female Artist and Best Pop Album of the year. Two prestigious awards and I was proud of myself. I was off to the side of the party, tired and happy from the long day, contemplating going back to the hotel room and going to bed. I felt two hands on either sides of my hips and I started slightly.

"It's just me." A husky voice said in my ear and I shivered.

"Hey…" I said as his head dipped down and kissed my bare shoulder, sending chills down my spine.

_I can't hold on to me_,

"You going with the guys tonight?" I asked, my voice shaking slightly from the emotions and need he was stirring up in me.

Tommy nipped my shoulder lightly, causing me to moan low in my throat. His circled around my hips and pulled my closer, his lips next to my ear.

"No, I wanna stay in and celebrate your win with you…" His hands slid up the sides my dress, almost touching my breasts before settling back down at my hips and I had to suppress the whimper. I wanted him and I didn't realize how badly until he was expressing interest.

_Wonder what's wrong with me_.

"Let's get out of here." I managed to say, my voice coming out shaky and unsteady. Tommy kissed my neck and pulled back from me, taking my hand in his and leading me out of the party.

_Lithium_

We made it back to the hotel room and Tommy barely managed to shut the door before pulling me to him and crushing my lips with his. I leaned into the kiss and held onto his shoulders as he walked me backward into the room, his hands roaming over my dress, riding my thoughts of anything but him, of us.

_Don't want to lock me up inside._

"We need to get you out of that dress." Tommy stated, his hands wrapping around me and pulling down the zipper.

"Only if it means your tux comes off." Tommy smirked and leaned into me and kissed my neck.

"Kinda part of the plan." He murmured, his hands rising and undoing the knot holding my dress up and letting the strings go, letting the fabric pool at my feet before pulling me into him and kissing me roughly, his tongue exploring my mouth.

_Lithium, don't want to forget how it feels without_

"Tommy?" I asked breathlessly when we separated for air.

"Hm?"

"I love you." I told him and he gave me a small smile and kissed me before pulling away and resting his forehead against mine.

"I love you too, Jude."

"Promise me we'll make it through whatever it is this is."

"I can't promise anything, but we will Jude. We always do." He said confidently and kissed me again, erasing my concerns and filling me with other ones.

_Lithium, stay in love with my sorrow_.

Tommy backed us up as we kissed and I felt the back of my legs touch the bed. I leaned backward and kept a tight grip on him as we fell backward onto the bed, no other words spoken the rest of the night.

_I'm gonna let it go_.


	5. Cloud Nine

The Open Door Series

Chapter 5

Cloud Nine

(Three Years Earlier)

_If you want to live, let live.  
_

"Okay." EJ said, as we walked into the lobby of G Major, "I think we found your backup band!"

_If you want to go, let go._

SME was leaving me. They had their own gigs now after years of struggling to make a good SME solo debut. I was happy for them because they all had such amazing talent and nobody ever saw it. But now the world would know. Unfortunately for me, I was now out a backup back; which more than kinda sucks. This was always the hardest part of recording and performing for me - finding a decent band that jived well with me.

_I'm not afraid to dream, to sleep, sleep forever.  
I don't need to touch the sky._

Waiting for us was a motley group of guys. There were four of them in all. All of them were dressed in the rock/goth persuasion and they eyed me warily as I eyed them. EJ ignored the stare off and got right to business.

"Jude, this is Shattered."

The cutest of the group stepped forward and held out his hand.

"Ryland Michaels." He said by way of introduction.

I took his hand and shook it. "Jude Harrison."

"I thought you were married." Ryland said as we dropped the shake.

"I am." I replied, "I kept my name for performing purposes only. My married name is Jude Quincy."

"Huh." Ryland continued, "Well, this is my band, Blake Lundin on Electric Guitar," The one with a tall, dark Mohawk stepped forward and shook my hand, "Jake Robinson, Bass," The man stepped forward, his powder blue hair catching my attention. We shook hands and Ryland finished up the introductions, "And Jeremiah Jackson is our drummer." The last man, with flaming red spikes, stepped forward, shook my hand and then kissed it.

Ryland smacked him upside the head and shook his head slowly. "Sorry about JJ. He fancies himself a charmer."

"I thought I _was_ a charmer." Jeremiah, or JJ, said with a wide smile.

I laughed. "Would you boys care to join me in the studio?

"Sure." Ryland spoke for his band again.

_I just want to feel that high,_

We all headed into studio A, aka my studio. Within minutes, I knew that this was my new band. Shattered was another perfect fit, but it wasn't the same high I got from jamming with SME. It was something new. Something…electric. It both scared and excited me all at the same time and I was interested in seeing how this would all play out in the coming months ahead of us.

* * *

_And you refuse to lift me._

"Hey, baby!" I called when I walked in the door to our mansion, "You home?"

Judging by the sounds coming from upstairs, he was. I walked up the winding staircase and found him in the shower. I smiled, stripped, and got in.

"Hey, sexy." I purred, wrapping my arms around his slick, hard body, "Wanna have a little fun in the tub?"

"Not right now." Tommy said, shutting off the shower, sliding out of my arms and stepping out of the shower.

_Guess it wasn't real after all._

I stood there, absolutely dumbfounded. My husband just turned down sex. He _never_ turned down sex _ever_. It hurt that he would brush me off like that. I got out and found Tommy toweling himself off. I got momentarily distracted by him but then remembered why we both weren't still in the shower.

"Tommy?" I asked, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fuckin' fine, Jude!" He snapped, tossing the towel on the floor and walking out of the bathroom.

_Guess it wasn't real all along._

Okay, now I was pissed. He swore at me. Even if he was angry, that did not give him the right to curse at me.

"What the hell is your problem?" I demanded, following him into the bedroom.

"Nothing, alright?" he sighed, "I'm…I'm just stressed." He said, turning around to face me. He frowned at me, sighed again, and then walked over to me. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. A jolt ran through my body at the simple touch of his skin. And I felt him grow hard against me.

_If I fall and all is lost,_

"So, Mr. Quincy…" I drawled, "Care to join me in bed?"

"I think I will." He drawled in return.

_It's where I belong._

We fell back on the bed, our lips and limbs entangled. We made love, our bodies moving as one and I knew that I would belong to him forever.

* * *

(A Few Days Later)

"Okay, Jude." Ryland's voice came through my earphones, "Whenever you're ready."

I listened to the beat that proceeded and caught my cue and began to sing.

"_If you want to live, let live.  
If you want to go, let go.  
I'm never gonna be your sweet, sweet surrender."_

I looked at Ryland and he gave me the thumbs up, bobbing his head in time with the beat and beaming at me. We were recording the vocals for my newest song in my own studio at my house because the studio at G Major was crowded and I really didn't want to be there anyway.

"_Guess it wasn't real after all.  
Guess it wasn't real all along."_

The lyrics hit me as I remember the fight Tommy and I had the other night. I couldn't stop the tears that fell or the sob that robbed me of my voice. Ryland cut the music and his voice flood my earphones.

"Red? What's wrong?"

_If I fall and all is lost,_

I shook my head, unable to form words. I took off my earphones and set them on the music stand in front of me. Ryland entered the room and took me into his arms. I cried into his shirt as he rubbed my back. After a moment of indulgement, I willed myself to stop crying and separated from Ryland, drying my eyes.

"Talk to me." Ryland said gently, lifting my chin.

"I'm sorry…" I muttered, "I had a fight with Tommy the other night…we're fine…but it's bothering me how much of a jerk he was."

"What was he such a jerk about?"

"Um…it's personal." I said, looking at the floor, my face flushing. I wasn't really all that comfortable telling Ryland about my sex life. Or lack thereof.

Ryland put a hand on my shoulder, causing me to look up at him.

"We're both adults here, Red."

_No light to lead the way,_

"Okay, okay." I sighed, "I wanted to have sex and he completely rejected me, he even swore at me…it wasn't like him. But…"

_Remember that all alone is where I belong._

I sighed and outlined Tommy's problem with alcohol. Ryland listened patiently as I laid it all out; all my worries, all my concerns, all my fears, and all my doubts. When I was finished, he paused and took my face in his hands and wiped away the tears that had began to fall.

_In a dream,_

His touch was comforting, gentle; so much like Tommy's. His eyes met mine and a jolt ran through me at the intensity of his gaze.

_Will you give your love to me?_

He placed a kiss on my forehead, his lips soft with a lovers caress. There was an attraction to him that I couldn't deny.

_Beg my broken heart to beat,_

I closed my eyes, thoughts and emotions mixed. I felt his cheek against mine and his arms came around my waist. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him.

_Save my life, change my mind._

I opened my eyes and moved my head so I could look at him. Ryland smiled at me, a small heartbreaking smile. He leaned forward and his lips grazed mine. Something like lightning ran through my body, awakening it. I leaned in the rest of the way and our lips met.

My brain ceased to work as my body took over. The only thing I knew was that I was connected to Ryland. I thought I heard a noise and I pulled away from Ryland. I looked around the studio and we were still alone. Then it hit me. Ryland and I just kissed. _Oh, fuck_.

_If I fall and all is lost_

Ryland and I stared at each other with wide eyes. He was the first to speak.

"Jude, I am so sorry." He said with conviction, "I have no idea what came over me."

"It was an accident. We're both at fault." I sighed and found myself echoing Tommy's words all those years ago, on my "sweet sixteen", "We have to agree that kiss never happened."

Ryland was quiet.

"Say it, Ry."

"It never happened." He agreed.

It was funny how history repeated itself. I smiled at him and gave him a brief hug.

"We good?" He asked.

"We're good." I replied.

I walked out the door and passed the pool on my way into the house. I needed to see my husband. I needed to erase the taste of Ryland from my lips.

_  
No light to lead the way_

I found Tommy in the kitchen, chopping lettuce…okay; it was more like killing it. But that was how he cut it. I wasn't much better. I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind, enjoying the familiar feel of his warmth.

"_Bonjour Chéri_." He said.

Tommy had a tendency to speak French when he cooked.

"_Je t'aime_." I murmured into his neck.

"I love you too." He replied.

Then suddenly, he stopped chopping, whirled around, and dipped me. I squealed as he swooped in and kissed me. I kissed him back, slipping a little tongue in as we kissed.

My husband smiled at me as we parted and it was a beautiful smile. My heart twisted painfully and I hated myself.

_Remember that all alone is where I belong._


	6. Snow White Queen

**A/N: **Sorry guys, my life (DM) has been insane for the last couple weeks. I meant to have this up sooner, but between me changing my plot for this (heh) and life in general...it's been interesting. Hope you enjoy! Thanks to all those who've reviewed. You rock our socks!

* * *

_Stoplight_

I took a deep breath and looked around the room with a heavy heart. This was it, I told myself. I had to do this. I took one last look around and grabbed my duffle off the bed and swung it over my shoulder and left the room. I walked down the hall of the mansion, my steps echoing on the tile in the empty hall as I headed towards the elevator.

_Lock the door_

I pressed the button for down and leaned against the wall across from it and closed my eyes. I didn't want to do the spiral stairs with the heavy bag on my shoulder. The elevator also stopped right at the front door. Taking the stairs I had a bigger chance on running into Tommy on my way out. It was better this way, I told myself as tears stung my eyes. I didn't want to do this, but there was no other choice. There was nothing left for me to do. For us to do. I took a deep breath as the doors swung open and stepped inside and pressed the button for the first floor.

_Don't look back_

The last month had gone from bad to worst. Tommy and I couldn't even save face in public anymore. He was cold and distant and I was growing angry, lonely, and resentful. It was time to make the first step. It was time to be an adult and realize when it was over. It hurt, a lot, but it had to be done. The separation would be good for us. The doors dinged open and I stepped out of the elevator as the front door opened. Tommy froze in the doorway as he looked at me. I couldn't meet his eyes. I knew I would lose my resolve if I did.

"Jude…" Tommy said, his voice sounding broken.

"What…where are you going?" He asked me. I took a deep breath to compose myself and looked up into his eyes.

"I…I'm leaving." I said, my voice was stronger than I felt. Tears stung my eyes and I refused to let them fall. Don't cry, Jude. I told myself. You knew this was going to happen sometime.

_Undress in the dark_

Tommy closed his eyes and let his chin fall to his chest a moment. He took a couple breaths and looked back up at me.

"Don't leave." He said, his voice sounding strangled. "You can't leave me."

"And why the hell shouldn't I?" I demanded.

"Because I love you, Jude."

_And hide from you_

"I love you too, Tommy, but this" I pointed back and forth between us, "it doesn't work. It hasn't worked. Love hasn't been enough for us." His eyes reflected he hurt he was feeling and I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him and take his pain away and forget the last couple years ever happened. But I couldn't. It was done. It was over.

_All of you_

"So you're going to go and run off to Ryland then?" Tommy asked, his voice sounding bitter.

"Excuse me?" Tommy scoffed and threw his hands up in the air and slammed the door behind him before stepping further into the mansion. I resisted the urge to back up away from him. I had never seen Tommy this angry before and it scared me. "Oh, please, Jude." He said, his voice bitter an angry. "I'm not stupid."

"I never said you were." I said, my voice and emotions becoming irritated. What was his problem? Tommy rolled his eyes dramatically and walked away from me. "What the hell is that about!" I demanded, letting the duffle fall off my shoulder and following him. Tommy turned around and walked backwards a few steps.

"Oh, so what, now you care?" Tommy shot at me. He quirked an eyebrow at me as I continued to stare at him in confusion. Tommy just shook his head and turned back around and continued to make his way through the mansion.

"I've always cared, Tommy." I stated in exasperation.

"Could have fooled me." He said, turning around to face me, arms crossed over his chest. I just stared at him in confusion. Where was he getting this from?

_You'll never know the way your words have haunted me_

"Tommy, what are you talking about?" I asked slowly.

"Ryland. Do you love him?" Tommy asked me and I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but I couldn't. I didn't know myself how I felt about Ryland Michaels. He was a friend. At one point, maybe a bit more…but… "I see." Tommy said, shaking his head and turning away from me.  
_  
I can't believe you'd ask these things of me_

"Tommy-"

"Go run off to Ryland and live happily ever after, Jude." Tommy said, his voice bitter. "You know you want to." Tommy turned away and headed towards the stairs. I watched him go, clenching my fists in anger. I was so mad I was shaking. How dare he tell me how to live my life.

_You don't know me_

"You know what?! Fuck you!" I screamed at him. Tommy stopped in mid-step and turned around to face me, his eyes dark in anger. "Don't you dare tell me what I want, Thomas Anthony Quincy!" I yelled, stalking after him and standing right in front of him. "If you knew what I wanted, then you'd fucking know all I've ever wanted was **YOU**!"

_My Snow White Queen_

"Really?" Tommy asked, a smirk on his lips. I just stared at him in disgust. "Is that what you told Ryland when you were fucking him?" Tommy asked me, his voice low and his face close to mine. If I hadn't been holding onto the stair railing, I would have fallen down the stairs. My legs were suddenly weak as I stared at him in shock. How did he…

"See, Jude?" Tommy said, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm not stupid." I closed my eyes, tears burning them as guilt overcame me once more.

_There's no where to run_

"It was only once." I whispered, my voice small and weak. "It was a mistake." I opened my eyes and looked into Tommy's. He looked angry and disgusted as he looked at me.

_So let's just get it over_

"And that makes you less of a whore?" He asked me and I felt like I had been slapped. I looked away from him and down at my feet, trying to get my emotions under control. I was angry, upset, and hurt deeply by his words. Despite the harshness, they were all true. I took a deep breath and looked back up at him, my resolve back.

_Soon I know you'll see_

"And what about you?" I asked. "It's not like you haven't been screwing every leggy blonde that bats her eyes at you every night at the bar or wherever it is you go." Tommy scoffed.

_You're just like me_"

I wish."

"Excuse me?"

"I've always been faithful to you, Jude."

"Right, tell that to Jose and Captain Morgan." I spat. Tommy's eyes darkened considerably at the comment. His usually warm blue eyes were now ice cold and I found I couldn't look too long into them without feeling cold myself. I took a deep breath and shook my head. "I guess it's good that I'm leaving then." I stated and I turned around and headed back down the stairs. Tommy didn't follow me and as I headed back towards the door, I felt a hand on my wrist. I turned and glared at him.

"You're not leaving." Tommy stated, his eyes dark his grip on my hand so tight it hurt.

"Watch me." I snapped, trying to yank my arm out of his grasp but he held me fast.

"I'm not letting you walk out that door to run into the arms of Ryland Michaels!"

_Don't scream anymore my love_

"Let me?!" I demanded. "I don't need your permission to spend time with a friend, thank you very much." I snapped. Tommy just looked angrily at me. I shook my head in disgust and pulled my arm out of his grip, with a surprisingly amount of force, and turned around on my heel and headed back towards the door.

"Jude, don't do this." I froze in my steps and closed my eyes.

"What do you want from me, Tommy?" I asked, not looking back at him.

_Cause all I want is you_

"Just…let's talk about this." He said, his voice sounding calmer than it had several beats earlier.

"It's all been said Tommy." I said sadly, turning around to look at him. "What else is left?"

"Answers." He stated, giving me a sad look. "Like why you felt like you needed to have sex with Ryland."

"And why you couldn't end the affair with the bottle?" Tommy sighed and nodded. I shook my head. I still couldn't say no to him. It didn't matter anymore. Nothing was going to fix us. Nothing could be said to repair the damage we'd inflicted on each other since the fateful day we both said "I do".

"Fine. Whatever." I said, turning around and brushing past him and further into the mansion away from the doorway and from any sharp/breakable objects that could potentially be used as a murder weapon. I ended up in the study, a room that held an office and a handful of pictures. One of them caught my eye and I crossed the room and picked it up and stared longingly at it. It was from my 16th Birthday, hours before Shay and Tommy both ruined it. The picture was before the party actually started, one that Georgia had snapped while neither of us were really paying attention, too busy staring into each others eyes, lost in our own little world. What happened to make us this way? I wondered.

_Wake up in a dream_

I heard Tommy come into the room behind me and I turned to look at him a moment and then back at the picture again. I had been so young and idealistic back then. I had actually thought that we'd have a fairy tale ending. That life would be perfect and I'd have the love of my life and we'd live happily ever after. I had my career, my prince, and dreams of the future.

"We were so happy," I said quietly, eyes still on the picture. I sighed and set the picture down with a heavy heart. "What happened?" I asked, turning around and meeting his eyes.  
_  
Frozen fear_

"I don't know if it's one exact thing," Tommy said with a shrug. I just stared at him, trying hard to keep back the harsh comment. "Fear, I think."

"Fear?"

"Jude…I…I was scared." He admitted to me, looking down at the floor.

"Of what?"

He sighed and looked up and laughed a bitter laugh. "of this." He stated. "My track record speaks for itself." He stated bitterly.

"You did this Tommy, not me."

"You're not innocent Jude," Tommy snapped back. "At least I didn't go and fall into bed with the first person who batted their eyes at me."

"Tommy, you can't fucking stand to be in the same room as me!" I yelled, throwing my hands up in the air. "You were never here! You had an affair with the bar and the bottle and I was lucky if you even noticed I was around 90 percent the time!"

"And that makes it ok you cheated on me?" Tommy asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You know what, I don't have to explain myself to you." I said with disgust. "This is pointless. We're not going to get anywhere."

I went to move past him but Tommy stopped me by placing his hands on my arms.  
_  
All your hands on me._

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed at him. Tommy's eyes widened and he released me quickly and stepped aside. I stared at him a moment, tears burning my eyes. I took a couple deep breaths to try and steady myself and wasn't succeeding. I brushed past him and rushed down the hall, my steps echoing as I ran.  
_  
I can't scream_

"Jude!" I heard Tommy yell after me but I didn't stop, not this time. We were done, over. It was time I made the first move and left before he left me, again. It was time. It was past time. "Jude, stop!"

"No!" I yelled, spinning around and walking backwards.

"Jude-"

"Just leave me alone Tommy," I spat. "I'm just the whore you've been married to for the last five years."  
_  
I can't escape the twisted way you think of me_

Tommy gave me a pained look and I turned around in disgust. I made it back to the foyer and picked up the duffle and swung it over my shoulder, the weight of it causing me to struggle momentarily before I gained my balance enough to walk towards the door.

"Jude, you know I love you." Tommy said from behind me. I turned my head around and smiled sadly at him.

"No, Tommy, you don't." I stated sadly. "I think you love the idea of me."

"Jude"

"It's over." I stated, my voice shaking slightly as I said it.

_I feel you in my dreams and I don't sleep._

"It's not." Tommy said shaking his head.

"It has to be." I said, my voice breaking. "Please, Tommy, don't fight me on this."  
_  
You belong to me,_

"So that's it?" Tommy said with a sad look. I nodded, tears stinging my eyes.

"This is it."  
_  
My snow white queen_

Tommy looked down at the floor by his feet and I sighed. I let the duffle fall to the floor and I walked over to him and touched a hand to his cheek. Tommy looked into my eyes and his look mirrored my broken heart.

"I love you, Tommy Quincy, I always will." I said and took a deep breath. "But we're not good together. Neither of us has been happy for a long time."  
_  
There's nowhere to run,_

Tommy just nodded, not meeting my eyes again. I sighed and let my hand fall from his cheek.

_So let's just get it over_

"I'll be at Patsy and Jamie's, if you need me for something until I can find my own place." Tommy just nodded his acknowledgement of my statement. I sighed and turned away and picked up the duffle for the last time and opened the door. "Goodbye, Tommy." I said and he didn't return the sentiment. I sighed and stepped outside and closed the door behind me with a soft click, my legs shaking like jelly as I walked down the steps of the porch and over to my car.

_Soon I know you'll see,_

I started my car and backed out of the driveway, tears burning my eyes and threatening to fall. Don't do this Jude, I told myself. Don't cry. I took a deep breath and fought against tears as I pulled out onto the street and drove towards Patsy and Jamie's townhouse across town. Tommy and I will be happier separated. He can continue his drinking binges and I don't have to lie awake wondering when and if he'll be home.  
_  
You're just like me_

I pulled up into the driveway and cut the engine and sat in my car. My body started to shake as the reality of what I'd done just hit me. Tears started to fall down my face and a sob escaped my throat. My mind played over Tommy's harsh words about Ryland. I didn't know how he knew, but I didn't want it to be like this that he found out.  
_  
Don't scream anymore my love, 'cause all I want is you_

I took another couple deep breaths and opened the door for my car. I pulled out my duffle and walked up to the house and knocked on the door. The door opened and Jamie took one look at me before pulling me into the house. He took my duffle and I collapsed to the floor, crying and shaking.

"Jude," Jamie said, his voice soft and sympathetic. He crossed back over to me and gathered me into his arms. I gripped his shirt and sobbed into his shoulder as he held me and rocked me as I cried.

"I should be happy, Jamie," I said between sobs. "I should feel relieved it's over, but"

_I can't save your life,_

"Jude, you love him." Jamie said softly. "Of course it hurt."

"I just…I couldn't save him from himself. I was stupid enough to think I could." I said, sniffling.

"I just…I don't know what to do Jamie." I said, tears still falling down my face. "part of me wants to go back and tell him I'm wrong and try again, but the other part…I'm so sick of trying, Jamie. I'm…" I trailed off trying to find the right words.  
_  
I'm losing my mind and you just stand there and stare as my world divides_

"I just…I feel lost." I said, my voice breaking and barely above a whisper.

"Hey, you're not lost," Jamie told me, looking into my eyes. "You're Jude…" Jamie paused and I knew why. He was trying to decide what to call me. "Harrison, and you're with your best friend, Jamie Andrews." Jamie told me a small smile on his face. I sniffed and managed a small laugh. "What happened?" Jamie asked me, his eyes sympathetic.

"I…we fought." I said with a shrug and a sniff. I got up from the floor with shaky legs and managed to make it over to the couch. "Tommy caught me as I was sneaking out. He came home early from G Major."  
_  
You belong to me_

"I'm sorry."

"It was going to be done anyway." I said with a shrug. "He didn't want me to go. Said we should talk, work things out."

"You left?"

"I tried to talk to him, but…" I shook my head. "God Jamie, we can't say two words without screaming at each other."  
_  
My snow white queen_

"So…what are you going to do?" Jamie asked me and I shook my head.

"I don't know." I said honestly. "Part of me wants to file for the divorce and be done with it, with him, but…"  
_  
There's nowhere to run, _

"The other part of me, the part that remembers what it's like when he's with me and I'm his whole world…God that part of me doesn't want it to be over."

"You have to do what makes you happy, Jude." Jamie pointed out and I sighed.

_So let's just get it over_

"I don't know what makes me happy anymore."  
_  
Soon I know you'll see,_

Jamie gave me a sad smile and I sighed. "You know you can stay here as long as you want." Jamie told me and I nodded.

"I just…I need a bit to think. I just…I don't know what to do right now."  
_  
You're just like me_

Jamie wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. I lay my head on his shoulder and tried to get my mind off of Tommy. Off of our fight. Off of us in general. Unfortunately, all I could do was think about him.  
_  
Don't scream anymore my love, 'cause all I want is you._


	7. Lacrymosa

**Lacrymosa**

_Out on your own  
_  
I walked through the park, bundled in my parka, watching as the snow drifted down from the clouds. How did my life get like this? I wondered as I shivered from the cold night air.

_Cold and alone again_

Tommy was gone on a business trip in LA. He wanted to use this time to think. To think about where our marriage was headed. He wanted a separation.

_Can this be what you really wanted, baby?_

Our carefully constructed façade of a marriage was falling apart.

_Blame it on me_

We were at a party. It was some press party for G Major at some hotel and Tommy was being a stick in the mud. He was sitting at the bar, slamming down drinks and, consequently, slamming down my mood. Ryland had noticed my unhappiness and was trying to cheer me up, with a little bit of success.

_Set your guilt free._

It was cute, actually. Ryland was spastically dancing and breaking into song. But nothing the "Prince of Rock" would sing. It was all songs from various musicals. And even not the cool ones.

Ryland approached Tommy and I at our seats at the bar.

"Can I borrow your wife?" Ryland asked, "For a dance?"

_Nothing can hold you back now_

"You never asked before." Tommy scoffed by way of an answer.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?" Ryland demanded.

"Nothing." He muttered, downing a shot of tequila.

_Now that you're gone_

The winter wind bit at my cheeks and I shivered, dragging myself out of my thoughts. I stopped at a bench and sat down, suddenly feeling heavy from the weight of my thoughts.

_I feel like myself again._

Being alone was hard. Tommy's absence was so apparent. But at the same time, I was free.

_Grieving the things I can't repair and willing..._

I was free to breathe without worry that my husband was out somewhere, trashed. I always worry that I'll get a call that he's been arrested. Or that he's in the hospital after crashing his car in some ditch on the side of the road.

_To let you blame it on me,_

With a long sigh, I got up and started on my way home.

_And set your guilt free._

I shoved my hands in my pockets, my thoughts drifting back to Tommy and our relationship. I was surprised when Tommy approached me about separating. I had honestly thought I would be the one that say it first._  
_

_I don't want to hold you back now love_.

But it was a relief…not to say it first. My guilt of wanting some time a part was lifted.

_I can't change who I am._

I opened the gate to our mansion and headed up the front walk. I unlocked the front door and went inside. I took off my coat and hat and left them on the floor. I moved into the living room and saw that I had a couple of messages. I hit play and flopped on the couch as they began.

The first was from EJ; a hundredth reminder for the interview with People next week. The second was from Ryland. He wanted to know if I wanted to have a 80s movie marathon night while Tommy was away. I laughed as he ended the message with a high pitched-off key rendition of "Eye of the Tiger". The last stopped me from laughing. It was Tommy.

"Hey babe," He said, his voice amazingly clear.

I closed my eyes. It was like he was standing next to me.

"Cali is hot. The meetings are endless. I can't wait to get back home…have you been giving what I asked any thought?" He sighed. "I miss you, Jude, and I love you. I hope you…make the right choice."

_Not this time, I won't lie to keep you near me  
_

My throat tightened and I struggle to clear it. What choice would I make? Stay with my drunken husband? Or leave and be free?

_And in this short life, there's no time to waste on giving up_.

Or would I fight?

_My love wasn't enough._

But fighting and giving my all hasn't worked._  
_

_And you can blame it on me,_

He blamed me for the way our marriage has turned out. I could see it in his eyes._  
_

_Just set your guilt free, honey._

But I loved him. I missed him. I didn't want to let him go.

_I don't want to hold you back now love._

But on the other hand…

There was a knock at the door. I got up with a sigh and went to the door. I opened it and Ryland was standing on my steps, smiling.

…There was Ryland…


	8. Like You

**Author's Note**: Heh. This was suppose to be posted a week ago, but miscommunication happened. I went on vacation and sent the document over to RB for betaing and such since she's the coauthor and what not. I could have sworn I told her to post it when she finished reading it if it was all good and no major mistakes were in it….but apparently, I forgot to say that or something. Who knows, anyway, sorry for the delay. I hope you like! This chapter was a rough one!

**Like You**

_Stay low_

I let out a gasp and my knees grew weak, barely managing to support me. My hand flew to my mouth to muffle the soft sob that threatened to escape. I lowered myself carefully to the floor before I fell and just stared at the wall opposite of me.

_Soft, _

This can't be happening, I thought. I closed my eyes and took a couple deep breathes, trying to steady my frayed nerves, but it wasn't working.

_Dark _

"Blondie?"

"Yeah?" I called out, my voice echoing through the tiled bathroom.

"Are you ok?"

_And dreamless_

No, I thought. I wasn't ok. "Yeah, I…I'll be out in a minute." I called and received no answer in return. I closed my eyes and pulled my knees to my chest and rest my chin atop of them. I had been living with Pats and Jamie for a month. A month I hadn't seen Tommy much more than in passing at G Major and the occasional "Hi" as we passed by each other. It was too painful to have much more interaction with each other. Despite the pain, I was slowly getting on with my life.

_Far beneath my nightmares _

And now…I took a shaky breath. Don't cry Jude. I told myself.

_And loneliness_

I stood up and closed my eyes, my hand resting on my abdomen.

_I hate me_

I could almost feel part of him inside of me. The part of him that still loved me.

_For breathing without you _

I was pregnant. Part of me had known long before I took the test. The hard part was accepting the pregnancy and deciding what I would do about it.

_I don't want to feel anymore _

Tommy. God how the hell could I tell him he was going to be a father?

_For you_

How could he be a father when he couldn't commit himself to me, to making our marriage work? I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath. I don't need to be thinking about this right now, I told myself.

_Grieving for you_

Worry about telling Tommy later, I told myself as I reopened my eyes, shoving all thoughts of Tommy aside as I opened the door. Patsy and Jamie stood leaning against the wall opposite of the door. "Well?" Jamie asked me.

"I'm pregnant." I whispered, a small smile coming to my face.

_I'm not grieving for you _

"Congrats Blondie!" Patsy said and Jamie hugged me before pulling away to look at me.

"Tommy?" I nodded.

"He's the father, of course." I said, with a sniffle. No one else could have been.

"What are you going to do?" Jamie asked me and I shrugged.

"I…I don't know." I whispered, tears stinging my eyes.

_Nothing real love can't undo_

"Jude, he's the father. He deserves to know."

"I know!" I snapped.

"God, Jamie, I know. But earlier this week, I saw an attorney about a divorce! And now I'm freaking pregnant!"

"Sorry to break it to ya Blondie, but you were preggers before you saw the attorney." Patsy pointed out. I just sighed and closed my eyes.

"I just don't know what to do."

_And though I may have lost my way _

"Well, first, you pick up that phone, and talk to Quincy and tell him you need to talk." I sighed and closed my eyes. As much as I didn't want to admit it, Jamie was right. I had to tell Tommy. As much as I hated it, we had decisions to make.

_All paths lead straight to you _

I opened my eyes and nodded at Patsy and Jamie. Jamie took Pats's arm and led her away. I walked into my room and shut the door, a lump forming in my throat. I sat on my bed and pulled my cell out of my pocket and scrolled through the phonebook, my breath catching as I hit Tommy's name, his picture filling my screen, his blue eyes piercing at me and his smile making my heart melt. I stared at the screen for a long moment, my finger hovering over the green talk button. I hadn't realized how much I missed him until this moment. I closed my eyes and took a couple deep, calming breathes before pushing down the call button and mechanically bringing my cell to my ear.

_I long to be like you_

Tommy answered after the first ring.

"Hello?" My breath caught in my throat and I couldn't speak. "Hello?" he said again, sounding a little annoyed

"T-tommy?" I made myself say, my voice breaking as the lump in my throat made it difficult to talk. Silence stretched between us for a moment and I thought for a moment that one of us had went out of service or something.

"Jude?" Tommy's voice sounded worried and surprised all at the same time. "Honey, what's wrong?" He asked me and I sniffled in response, tears stinging my eyes.

"We need…can we talk?"

_Lie cold in the ground like you_

"Of course," Tommy said, sounding worried. "What's up?" He asked me and I closed my eyes at the sound of his voice. God I missed this. I missed him.

"I…I can't do this." I said, sniffling.

"Jude, you know you can always talk to me Babe." He said, sounding sad as he said the words.

"I…can we meet?" I asked, tears falling freely down my face. "I…I can't do this over the phone."

"I'm at work right now…" He said automatically and I sighed heavily into the phone. Of course. Work always came first. "Look, if you give me a hour, I'll be finished and we can meet somewhere, if you want."

"Yes," I said, reaching up and whipping the tears off my cheeks, sniffling lightly.

"Jude…are you crying?" He asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

"How about the park across from G Major?" I asked him, ignoring his question. I didn't want him to press this. I couldn't tell him I was pregnant over the phone. I don't even know if I can tell him in person.

"Sounds good," He said with a heavy sigh. I knew he was annoyed I dodged the question, but I had to. He'd understand later, I hoped.

"OK." I said, my voice shaking slightly.

"I'll…I'll see you in a bit." I said and closed my eyes.

"Yeah," He said and I pulled my phone away from my ear and went to close it when I heard his voice one last time. "I love you, Jude."

I froze, staring at the phone for a long moment before I snapped it closed, a tear falling from my eyes.

_Like you_

I sat on my bed for awhile, just letting tears fall down my face. I had no idea how I was going to tell him I was pregnant. We were barely on speaking terms until just now. I was looking into a divorce, for crying out loud. I had no idea what we were going to do. I was always a strong believer in a child being raised with two full time parents. I didn't want to do custody fights with Tommy. I didn't want to worry about every other weekend or rotating holidays. I wanted to do it all together all the time. But we didn't work. We loved each other, that much was true. But we hurt each other even more.

What am I going to do? I wondered as I pushed myself up off the bed and glancing over at the clock. I had to get ready to leave. I needed to pull myself together and figure this out. I reached up and rubbed my temples which were beginning to pulsate with the tell-tale signs of a headache forming. I shook my head to clear it and took a deep breath before rushing into the bathroom to wash the tear stains off my cheeks and fix my eye line and make myself look somewhat presentable. After spending some time in front of the mirror and satisfied with how I looked, I said goodbye to Jamie and Patsy who wished me luck before I left the apartment and drove across town to the park.

I arrived at the park with no incident and walked with a heavy heart to one of the park benches that faced G Major and sat down. I hunched over and sat with my elbows on me knees, chin in my hands, face to the ground. I could hear families out playing and enjoying the warm summer air and I couldn't even bring myself to enjoy the pleasant heat on my skin as I waited.

_Halo_

I looked up and saw Tommy walking towards me and I felt my breath catch in my throat. He looked good. He always looked good. Dressed in jeans that were tight in all the right places and a black t-shirt, he looked like he should have been in front of a camera, not walking to meet his pregnant wife who made him so unhappy he had to drink every night.

_Blinding wall between us_

"Hey," Tommy said as he got close to me, his smile making my heart skip a beat.

"Hey," I said, my voice coming out a bit breathless. Tommy sat down on the bench next to me and looked me over, his eyes taking in my appearance and getting a read on me.

"What's up?" He asked me after his assessment was complete.

_Melt away _

"I…" I looked away from him, not able to meet his eyes. "I don't know how to say this."

"Jude," Tommy said softly. He reached over and lay a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it slightly. "You can tell me anything." He told me again. "Just, say it."

_And leave us alone again_

I laughed slightly and shook my head. Right, I thought to myself. "It's not that easy." I told him, my hand coming to cover my abdomen and I don't think Tommy noticed the action.

"Hey," Tommy said softly, touching my cheek and turning my head to face him. I stared into his eyes and thought back to a time when I would have been so incredibly happy to be having his child. A time when it couldn't have made me happier. Would I ever feel that way again? I wondered.

_The humming haunted somewhere out there _

"Tommy," I said, my voice coming out stronger than I felt. He just waited patiently as I searched for the words. "I…I'm pregnant."

_I believe our love can see us through in death _

"What?" Tommy said, shock registering across his face.

"I'm pregnant." I stated again, firmer this time. I bit my lip as I gauged his reaction. He just stared at me a long moment before a small smile came to his face.

_I long to be like you_

"How'd…when did you…?"

"Today," I said with a sigh. "I uh…I suspected I might have been for a couple weeks." I told him and he just stared at me, the smile reaching his eyes and I couldn't be happier for his reaction. He looked at me and then his smile fell.

_Lie cold in the ground like you_

"Am I the father?" Tommy asked me, his expression suddenly stoic as he looked at me. I stared at him for a moment, surprised by his question.

"Yes, Tommy."

_There's room inside for two _

"Are you sure?" He asked me, raising an eyebrow. I clenched my jaw and resisted the urge to hit him.

"I think I know who I slept with and when," I stated, fists clenched. "I haven't slept with anyone since the last time we did. Why else would I"

"There's the fact that we're still married." Tommy stated with a shrug. "Are you sure it's not Ryland's?" Tommy asked, his voice sounding bitter.

_And I'm not grieving for you _

I laughed bitterly and shook my head.

"I knew this was a mistake."

"Excuse me?" I stood up abruptly and crossed my arms over my chest.

"This, us." I shook my head. "We can barely have a civilized conversation without"

"Jude," Tommy said calmly. "If things were reversed, wouldn't you ask me the same question?" He asked, looking straight into my eyes and I felt guilt wash over me.

_I'm coming for you_

"Tommy, I just…" I felt my throat close up and I buried my face in my hands, turning away from him. "I can't do this." I whispered, tears stinging my eyes. I heard Tommy get up and felt his arms wrap around me and I turned in his arms and looked up into his eyes, tears falling down my face again.

_You're not alone_

"I want to be there for you," Tommy stated, reaching up and wiping the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. "And for our baby." I closed my eyes and shook my head. As much as I wanted to just fall into his arms and let him comfort me, to wash away my pain and confusion as he had for so many years, I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him back in again.

_No matter what they told you, you're not alone _

"Tommy," I said slowly, opening my eyes to look into his. "I…" I shook my head. "God Tommy, I was…I was talking with a divorce lawyer earlier this week" I saw pain flash in his eyes when I said those words. "our marriage has fallen apart and this baby…" I shook my head.

"This baby, is going to have two loving parents." Tommy finished, but not in the way that I was going to.

_I'll be right beside you forever more _

"Tommy,"

"Jude," Tommy said, interrupting me. "I swear to you," He said staring directly into my eyes, something he hadn't done in a long time when he spoke to me. "I will be there for you and for this baby."

"Tommy, I don't doubt that." I told him, taking a deep breath. "What I can't do, is be second or even third or wherever the hell it is I stand to work, alcohol, and whatever else it is you've been doing to stay away from me for so long."

"Jude, I've been sober since you left." He stated, not breaking eye contact and I knew he was telling the truth. "Give me a chance. Give us another chance," He said, his hands lowering and touching my abdomen. "For our baby. For us." I tried to think of something to say, anything, but I couldn't look away from his blue eyes. I was drowning as I stared into them, all loving and pleading. I wanted to take him back. I wanted us to be a family, but I was confused. I was hurt and I didn't know if I could take another short coming, another broken dream, another broken promise.

_I long to be like you, sis_

"I…I want to believe you." I said finally, my words coming out choppy from the emotions overwhelming me. Tommy smiled sadly at me and reached up to cup my cheek. He caressed it slowly, carefully, as if I were made of glass and would break. I probably would.

_Lie cold in the ground like you did _

"I promise, Jude," Tommy told me. "I'll make us work…but you have to agree to it too." He said, still caressing my cheek. "No more running to Ryland when we have a problem. No more drinking with the guys…just you and me." Tommy paused a moment and smiled. "And the baby."

_There's room inside for two _

I couldn't help but smile at his happiness as he talked about the baby. Our baby. As I stared into his eyes, I knew I couldn't say no to him. I never could. I would be lying to myself if I ever thought I could. I found myself nodding and Tommy beamed widely. He bent down and captured my lips in his, pulling my body into his and I melted into the kiss, into him.

_And I'm not grieving for you_

The kiss was like coming home. Like I was broken and he was the glue that put me back together again. I felt whole and complete for the first time in a long time. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me and deepening the kiss. I needed him. I just never realized how much until now.

_As we lay in silent bliss _

Tommy pulled away, slowly and maybe a bit reluctant and looked into my eyes. My breath caught in my throat as I stared into his crystal blue eyes, all soft and loving as he looked at me. It was my look; and I couldn't remember the last time he looked at me like that.

_I know you remember me_

"Does this mean you're giving me another chance?" Tommy asked me, his voice soft as he continued to stare into my eyes. I nodded, unable to bring myself to speak. He smiled at me and I felt my heart skip a beat.

_I long to be like you_

"Don't mess up this time, Tommy." I whispered, closing my eyes. "I don't know if I can take the disappointment."

_Lie cold in the ground like you _

"I won't." Tommy told me, reaching up and caressing my cheek. I leaned into his touch and sighed contently. "We're having a baby." Tommy said, and I could hear the happiness and awe in his voice.

_There's room inside for two _

I opened my eyes and looked into his, a smile coming to my face, one that mirrored his. "I know," I whispered, my hand touching my abdomen. Tommy pulled me closer to him, wrapping his arms around me into a hug and I closed my eyes, breathing him in, loving the feel of him pressed up against me.

_And I'm not grieving for you _

"I'm not going to mess this up this time," Tommy whispered, rubbing my back lightly as he talked. "I promise you, Jude." He whispered, his lips touching the top of my head and I wrapped my arms around him in response, pulling him closer to me.

_I'm coming for you_


End file.
